Spider.

This is Spider.

Spider lives right outside my apartment door. He is mother effing huge. The first day I saw Spider, I was, to put it gently, COMPLETELY. FUCKING. TERRIFIED. When I say Spider is huge, I mean that if Spider and one of the Night Kittens got into a fight, Spider would effing eat the kittens. in one bite. and still be hungry for more.

I am not sure why Spider chose my apartment to terrorize, I suppose it's because I seldom leave and have no fuck trophies (ahem, children) to disturb him while he plots for world domination.  Every time I walk outside, I have a small stroke when I remember that Spider is lurking in his Web of Doom right freakin' next to me.

Spider alone, would terrify even the bravest of wussy little girls, but the fact that he gyrates his effing web at me whenever I walk outside, like he wants to rape my face, is something out of a ridiculous horror movie. Seeing how I wont get any closer to Spider than necessary for me to leave my dwelling (and yes, I have considered using the back door, but what if there are more spiders hiding under things, planning their attack for when I finally get too afraid of Spider to go through the front door?), I have come up with a list of rules that Spider and I must abide by. and by rules I mean compromises and by compromises I mean things that keep my from having to get close enough to try to kill him

1. Spider stays outside, and I do not squish him
2. Spider does not give birth to 4932845892348642389 baby spiders, and I do not squish him
3. Spider does not actually rape my face, and I do not squish him
4. if I let Spider live, he will not send an army of dark forces to slowly eat me while I sleep

Spider has taken hold of the area outside my apartment for the past week, and in this time he and I have become somewhat understanding of each other. We have little conversations like, "Hello, Spider, thank you for not killing me in my sleep last night." and Spider responds by enthusiastically gyrating his Web of Doom at me. And I tell Spider, "Spider, when you gyrate your web at me, I think you are contemplating raping my face." Spider again responds by gyrating his web with what I can only imagine is a creepy stalker grin on his scary spider face. I suppose this will be our relationship until one of us break our agreement.

I am sure that if Spider knew how terrified I was to get close to him, he would know that he has the upper hand and could easily take control of my domicile, but because I am so much bigger than he is, he abides by the regulations of living outside my home.

Edit: my mother thinks Spider is writing things to me in his Web of Doom. She thinks he is writing "want in," I think he is writing, "I want to rape you face." We will see...