new job

well, i had an assessment for United Health Care as a claims assistant. i have an interview tomorrow. things are moving so terribly fast. if i get the job, i start on monday! this job pays two bucks more an hour than i'm making and has so many opportunities for advancement. i will keep you posted.

broth, the magical thing you make from scraps

after reading this article from beingfrugal.net, i feel like i've been wasting money my whole life buying broth and stock from grocery stores. basically, every time you have left over bits of veggies or chicken or beef, just save it all up in a baggie in the freezer until you have a sufficient supply and then pour water over it and slow boil it, then once it has all the flavor of whatever you're using, just pour it into muffin tins and freeze it, then once it's frozen, put all the frozen sections into ziplock baggies in the freezer for when you need them.

How to make soup stock:

Vegetable Stock:

The best way to make a vegetable stock is to save scraps. Peels, from onions, husks from garlic (my garlic press leaves little “skins” inside, so I always save those.) Ends of celery, extra mushrooms and any produce nearing the end of its life in the refrigerator. Shells from peas, stems and even apple cores go great in vegetable stock. (Never use spoiled/moldy produce).

If you have a few cups of vegetable bits, just cover them with water, simmer for 45 minutes, strain and freeze. However, if you’ve only got an onion skin here and a stalk of celery there, just throw it all in a big bag in the freezer until you have enough vegetable bits and time to boil it all at once. Strain and store.

Meat stock:

Bones, ends, and drippings! Use pan drippings, or bones to create a fantastic stock. The easiest way it to start with the brown bits from the bottom of a pan. First, pour off any grease/oils and then heat the pan quickly on the stove. Add a small amount of cold liquid to the hot pan (water, beer, wine, fruit juice, brandy, or even water that you cooked pasta or vegetables in), and as the liquid rapidly comes to a boil, scrape the bottom of the pan with a wooden spoon or heat-safe spatula. This will free up the flavorful bits from the bottom of the pan, and allow you to use them again. As an added benefit, the pan will be much easier to clean.

If you have bones or tough meat scraps to use, add the bones and enough water to cover them, and simmer for 45 minutes (fish is the exception—heads and bones go in the water, with the gills removed, but remove as soon as the bones become opaque). Large bones such as hamhocks or entire turkey carcasses may take longer—cook covered in water until the bones come out free of meat scraps.  Strain and store. 

since i plan to live by myself, i really plan to buy a whole chick every two weeks or so and use the meat on it for dinners. i like food, but one person can only eat so much, so a whole chicken should really last me quite some time if i get creative and they're usually under $5. i got this idea from savvyhouskeeping.com in her article eat for a week for under 850 .

a new bundle of jo.....pantry supplies?

i was quite curious about what i should plan to stock up on in my future pantry when i happened upon this list from ivillage:

 When preparing meals on the fly, it is important to have a well-stocked pantry of general, non-perishable items. If you're not sure what your pantry should look like, follow our essential pantry ingredients list below, so that when the time comes, you can prepare a delicious meal without having to run to the store.First, make sure to keep a list handy of what you use most often and what you need to replace on your next shopping trip. Absent from this list are the perishables -- such as bread, milk and meat.
Almond extract: for adding a little extra flavor to desserts, pie crusts, vegetables and other dishes.
Apples: for long storage, eating out of hand and making desserts.
Applesauce: for snacking, cooking, baking and an easy dessert.
Balsamic vinegar: for flavoring dishes and making salad dressings.
Baking soda: for baking and cleaning.
Baking powder: for baking.
Barbecue sauce: for cooking and flavoring.
Bay leaves: for seasoning soups, stocks, roasts, sauces and poaching liquids.
Beans (dried and canned): for soups, stews and other dishes.
Boullion (beef, chicken, and vegetable): for soups, seasoning, casseroles and marinades.
Breadcrumbs: for toppings, stuffings and other dishes.
Brown rice: for casseroles, soups, stuffings and side dishes.
Brown sugar: for cooking, baking and seasoning.
Canned cream soup: for a quick lunch, or to add to side dishes, soups, casseroles and other dishes.
Canned tomatoes: for sauces, salads, soups, stews, casseroles and other dishes.
Canned tuna fish: for quick sandwiches and casseroles.
Carrots: for long storage, snacking, soups, side dishes, roasting meats, casseroles, stews and more.
Cocoa powder: for baking and making hot cocoa.
Cold cereal: for baking, topping casseroles, snacking and breakfast.
Cooking sprays: for greasing pans for baking or frying.
Cornmeal: for cornbread, breading proteins and for baking white bread.
Cornstarch: for thickening puddings, sauces, stews and gravies.
Crackers: for snacking, appetizers and topping casseroles.
Cream of tartar: for whipping egg whites.
Dried fruit: for desserts, sauces, roasting meat and poultry and snacking.
Dried herbs: for seasoning sweet and savory dishes (good ones to have on hand: basil, oregano, thyme, rosemary, dill, cilantro, tarragon, chives)
Dried spices: for seasoning sweet and savory dishes (good ones to have on hand: cinnamon, nutmeg, cumin, paprika, mustard, ginger, allspice, cayenne pepper)
Garlic: for flavoring or garlic bread.
Ginger: fresh for mincing or grating and adding to dishes for a spark.
Honey: for seasoning, cooking, or eating on biscuits or cereal.
Hot sauce: for adding a touch of spice to dishes.
Jams or jellies: for making sandwiches, desserts or sauces.
Ketchup: for flavoring sandwiches or other dishes.
Kosher salt: for seasoning
Lemons and limes: for squeezing into fresh juice or using the zest in cooking.
Lentils: for soups, stews and other dishes.
Maple syrup: for breakfasts and baking
Mayonnaise: for salads, sandwiches, salad dressings and many other dishes; low-fat or fat-free are also good choices.
Nutmeg: for sweet and savory dishes and sauces.
Nuts: a selection of your favorite nuts for breads, muffins, desserts, casseroles and side dishes.
Oatmeal: for baking, cooking and as a breakfast cereal.
Olive oil: for cooking, greasing pans or making salad dressings.
Onions: for seasoning meats, soups, stews, casseroles and many other dishes.
Pasta: for eating plain, with butter, or a sauce; also great for using in soups, stews, casseroles, or as a side dish.
Peanut butter: for cooking, baking and snacking.
Peppercorns: for including whole in soups, stocks, marinades and roasts and for grinding for cooking and table use.
Powdered sugar: for making frosting, cooking, baking and decorating.
Prepared mustard: for sandwiches, mayonnaise-based salads, salad dressings and marinade.
Potatoes, russet: for baking and mashing.
Potatoes, small red: for boiling and roasting.
Red wine vinegar: for cooking and seasoning.
Semisweet chocolate chips: for desserts and snacking.
Solid shortening: for baking and greasing pans.
Soy sauce: for flavoring and quick stir-frying.
Tomato paste: for making pasta sauces, stews, soups and casseroles.
Unbleached white flour: for cooking, baking, thickening.
Unsweetened chocolate: for baking and cooking.
Vanilla: for flavoring many dishes, especially desserts; only use the real flavoring or vanilla beans.
Vegetable oil: for frying, cooking, salad dressings and greasing pans.
White sugar: for cooking and seasoning.
White wine vinegar: for salads, flavoring and cleaning coffee pots.
Worcestershire sauce: for seasoning and adding color.
Yeast: for baking.

Now, i must admit, this list is long, but it is also quite comprehensive and might keep me from having to go to the store constantly. which will save gas. But i also intend to grow my own herbs and vegetables so hopefully my shopping list will be relatively tiny in about 6 months or so...

Tacobell. The Food Bill.

I am not very keen on being frugal, you see, i like to shop and buy whatever in the world i please. So for my first post on frugality, i will inform you my latest endeavor.i have signed up for mint.com, it is quite nifty. Basically, you put in your  bank account information (no worries, it doesnt steal identities or bad stuff like that) and it organizes where you spend the bulk of your allowances and puts where you shop the most into perspective.

as you can see, for the year i have spent impressive amounts at walmart and heb (our local grocery store) but what amazed me the most was the fact that i have actually spent $67 at tacobell in four months. and in the "others" category   i have spent an astounding $64 at wendy's. that is a ridiculous $131 at two fast food places. 

i have to say i am quite impressed with my spending here. and by impressed, i really mean disgusted. you do see i spent $323 on fast food.. while also spending $947 on groceries. i know i've been working around feeding six people but this looks excessive. i also spent $236 on restaurants. good lord, i dont even have words for this. My new goal.. so that i may save for my "luxury apartment" is to cut that spending astronomically. This seems pretty easy in theory, but the boyfriend and i love food. Starting in May (it seems pretty pointless to try to salvage april and the counter begins on the first of the month any how) i plan to write down everything i buy. every thing. and then break up that price into servings or ounces or something to really know the value of what im getting. there is no reason that i should average almost $400 a month on food. I shall begin by avoiding fast food as much as possible. this will help my expanding waistline as much as it helps my pocket bo0k.

on a mission

it has been quite some time since i have blogged. a lot has changed, namely my hair colour, which is now turquoise. Also, i am living with my wonderful boyfriend Anthony and his parents, and i have a job. Now i know what you are thinking, and i agree, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? to put it quite honestly, life. One cannot go about being an unemployed alcoholic and maintain a proper existence. So, i work at a call center, selling drugs to the elderly. I do not plan on living with Anthony much longer. It is not that i don't adore him to pieces, because, believe me, i do. It is simply that i am a very solitary creature and i need my aloneness. I have picked out a neat little studio apartment and am planning to move shortly after my birthday in june. i intend to cronical my savings and journey through getting a new apartment and also my very interesting life living with this boy. I hope you stay tuned.

Why I Have "that's what she said." Tattooed On My Finger. (A Tale of Roadtrips and Alcohol)

I have quite a few tattoos, but the one I am most proud of is my most recent. It is the phrase "that's what she said." on my right middle finger. I am sure by now you are thinking that I am joking because no one could be that absurd as to get that silly phrase PERMANENTLY tattooed on their body. let alone on their hand where other people have to see it everyday. But oh, I did. and it is beautiful.
Now I am not the kind of person who just goes out and does stuff at random (that is a lie). I try to keep my impulsiveness to only small things like deciding to go swimming or going to buy cake mix at midnight. I would never get a tattoo without really thinking about it. Except this one. This one is my favorite because if it wasn't, I'm sure later on in life I might regret it.
You see, I had been thinking about getting it to be funny for about two months. possibly more. I have absolutely no concept of time. I had no idea today was Thursday until just now. I think it is August and I think my rent is due soon, but that is all I am aware of. If it wasn't for paying rent, I wouldn't even know it was another month.
One day in my boredom of being unemployed I convinced my friend Elton to go on a road trip to austin. Elton is a funny, funny character on bis own and I am sure that at sometime there will be a post detailing our friendship, but right now just know that I have known him all my life, he is certifiably insane, Jewish, impulsive, and I insult his sexuality constantly.
Elton and I love booze. specifically the kind with alcohol in it. So during our road trip from san antonio to austin we knew we couldn't be sober.He invited some of his friend along too! Now there are two "responsible" 22 yr olds, two 19 year olds, an open bottle of root beer vodka and some really awful long island iced tea that tastes like molasses in my car at the halfway point. We filled up a McDonald's cup with root beer and vodka and ate chicken nuggets as we drove. Which pretty much means that we were the opposite of sober when we finally parked in downtown Austin. I do not condone drunk driving, but I do condone bad decisions where no one gets hurt.
So now we are walking around austin being ridiculous and  taking pictures of ever thing. Sometime that night we found a fountain that everyone claimed they could jump over. No. No one could jump over it. And i ended up COMPLETELY soaked. There is video out there somewhere of my REENACTING falling and falling again. yeah, I'm a freakin' genius. (I misspelled genius at first, yeah, I'm that smart)

Throwing Elton into a fountain!

So now it's about 9 o'clock at night, we are sobering up and i am soaked from head to toe. We are walking around downtown austin being obnoxious looking for a tattoo shop or something and a hobo came up to us and said something like, "Hey, the liquor store closes in 7 minutes, do you guys have any spare change?" and considering that we just drank vodka and root beer, we gave him all our change, which was probably enough for a cheap bottle of gin.
We end up making a pit stop and getting slushies and mine had a candy straw! And we stopped to drink them at the University of Texas and listened to a really crap band play for about an hour. At some point we were swarmed by Asian school children and then we finally found a tattoo shop.
I was quite giggly and excited as I told the artist what I wanted. He might have thought I was insane. And I had to pay in $2 bills because I have a slight $2 bill obsession, so maybe he was right in assuming I was crazy. And so began the most hilarious/painful thing I've ever done:

It started off SUPER EFFING PAINFUL!

This is the most flattering picture ever.

The coolest tattoo ever.

How to Be a Grown Up

Honestly, that title is a lie. I wrote it because I woke up at 4:30pm today and actually heated up a poptart.
I haven't heated up a poptart since I started living on my own and it made me feel like a grown up. And then I realized grown ups don't wake up after all the banks are closed. They also don't eat poptarts after "breakfast time" which I assume is sometime before noon. I, honestly, don't think grown ups eat poptarts, but I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. I don't know what I would do for food if I can't eat poptarts anymore. That would almost be as bad as not eating dinosaur shaped sandwhiches.

What?

Grownups dont eat dinosaur sandwiches?!

Well, then I don't want to be a grownup. I am quite content sleeping until afternoon and eating poptarts and shaped sandwiches. However, if you want to be a grownup, I have come up with a list of things you must do to become one.

Amanda's How to Be a Grown Up Guide.

1. Go to bed at a reasonable hour. I am not sure what constitutes as a reasonable hour becuase I can't sleep until after 4 am on most nights. From this, I can only assume a reasonable hour is anytime before I go to bed.
2. Wake during the time when McDonald's is still serving breakfast. Now, I know for a fact that McDonald's starts serving breakfast at 3am because back when I was trying  "college," we would be out and about at 3am and want cheeseburgers and be very disappointed when they only had stupid sausage and biscuits. We were drunks, not business people, what were we going to do with breakfast at 3am? oh...right... eat it. 
3. Take a shower. Daily. Now, I must admit, I am very good at this step. Usually. Sometimes I forget that I am supposed to shower every day, but usually I shower sometime after being awake. Unless I run out of shampoo. Because the only reason I shower is to wash my hair. If my hair wasn't so oily, I wouldn't shower even half as much as I do now.
4. Get dressed. I have an incredibly hard time abiding by this rule. To be perfectly honest, if I am home alone (like I always am) then I probably do not have clothes on. In fact, if I have visitors, I usually have to run around frantically finding clothes before I can open the door.
5. Get a Job.  I think this is a very big step to being an adult, and I have really no intention of doing this any time soon, but if you want to be a grownup you need to get a job so you can pay bills. Which bring us to our next step.
   
6. Pay things on time. As a grown up, you must pay things on time. Bills and rent and car payments. If you continuously pay them late, you will no longer have electricity or  a home or a car.
7. Do not date people under the legal drinking age. This is a rule I put in for myself. You do not have to abide by it, but to benifit my survival, I must. You see, 18 and 19 year old boys are retarded. Certifiably. And not the good kind of retarded like me, the bad kind where they do completely irrational and hurtful things without thinking about it and then expect you to be ok with it when really you should be throwing chairs and sharp things at them inbetween crying fits. For those reasons, dating young boys is not for people with grown up thoughts and  emotions. (yes, I realize throwing chairs and having horrible crying fits is not a grown up thing to do, but young boys drive me to do this)
8. Do not drink vodka out of the bottle, nightly. Drinking vodka is fun. I am not anti-vodka-drinking. All I am saying is grown ups mix their drinks. And not like MD 2020 and Sprite. More like vodka and cranberry juice. NOT cranberry flavored vodka out of the bottle. Though, that sounds amazing. I am not sure where I was going with this...something about learning to drink "in moderation". Someday I will be able to explain it better. Not today.

Those are really the only things I know of that make me different from a grown up. Maybe add in there dont play on facebook when you should be applying for a job or dont make up blogs that talk about your alcoholism, but I really think those 8 rules are the basic steps to becoming a grown up.

The Secret World That Exists Before 2 PM

Apparently, there is this secret world that exists before 2pm and I am not a part of it. From what I hear there are things called "breakfast" and "jobs" and "alarm clocks", but it has been nearly two months since I have been awake when there was a little "am" where the "pm" should be. I'm not saying I'm lazy (but I probably should because that is the honest truth) just that I have had no need to be awake before my body actually wants to join the rest of the world. I suppose this is what funemployment is all about and I should savor it because sometime in the near future I might have to get a job like normal people.

It just happened to hit me today, that people get things done BEFORE 2pm. Like, they had a more productive day than I will before my day has even started! This is quite upsetting.

Take my mother for example: usually before noon she has done at least FIVE things. and not even one of those things is drinking vodka out of the bottle or eating frozen pizza. If changing the channel and taking a shower are considered doing things, I might actually complete two things before 5pm and that is on a particularly active day for me.

I honestly do not even know what "morning" looks like anymore. For all I know, people could be driving by, throwing money out of their cars and it could be raining candy and diet dr. pepper, but I will never find out because it is a secret that people who are awake before time switches to "pm" have to keep from us unemployed people who sleep all day. I suppose it is only fair because I get to watch Comedy Central and play on Facebook all day and they actually have to shower and drive places and be respectable members of society. Which means, I guess, that they deserve candy and diet dr pepper, and money rain and I do not.

Spider.

This is Spider.

Spider lives right outside my apartment door. He is mother effing huge. The first day I saw Spider, I was, to put it gently, COMPLETELY. FUCKING. TERRIFIED. When I say Spider is huge, I mean that if Spider and one of the Night Kittens got into a fight, Spider would effing eat the kittens. in one bite. and still be hungry for more.

I am not sure why Spider chose my apartment to terrorize, I suppose it's because I seldom leave and have no fuck trophies (ahem, children) to disturb him while he plots for world domination.  Every time I walk outside, I have a small stroke when I remember that Spider is lurking in his Web of Doom right freakin' next to me.

Spider alone, would terrify even the bravest of wussy little girls, but the fact that he gyrates his effing web at me whenever I walk outside, like he wants to rape my face, is something out of a ridiculous horror movie. Seeing how I wont get any closer to Spider than necessary for me to leave my dwelling (and yes, I have considered using the back door, but what if there are more spiders hiding under things, planning their attack for when I finally get too afraid of Spider to go through the front door?), I have come up with a list of rules that Spider and I must abide by. and by rules I mean compromises and by compromises I mean things that keep my from having to get close enough to try to kill him

1. Spider stays outside, and I do not squish him
2. Spider does not give birth to 4932845892348642389 baby spiders, and I do not squish him
3. Spider does not actually rape my face, and I do not squish him
4. if I let Spider live, he will not send an army of dark forces to slowly eat me while I sleep

Spider has taken hold of the area outside my apartment for the past week, and in this time he and I have become somewhat understanding of each other. We have little conversations like, "Hello, Spider, thank you for not killing me in my sleep last night." and Spider responds by enthusiastically gyrating his Web of Doom at me. And I tell Spider, "Spider, when you gyrate your web at me, I think you are contemplating raping my face." Spider again responds by gyrating his web with what I can only imagine is a creepy stalker grin on his scary spider face. I suppose this will be our relationship until one of us break our agreement.

I am sure that if Spider knew how terrified I was to get close to him, he would know that he has the upper hand and could easily take control of my domicile, but because I am so much bigger than he is, he abides by the regulations of living outside my home.

Edit: my mother thinks Spider is writing things to me in his Web of Doom. She thinks he is writing "want in," I think he is writing, "I want to rape you face." We will see...

Fairytale time.

Once upon a time, there was a girl. And she had a pretty good job, a pretty decent boyfriend, a nice car, and plenty of spending money for rather cute (but also plus sized) clothes. This is not her story.

This is the story of a girl who has no job (well...she sells roses on the weekend under the table and makes less than minimum wage), has no boyfriend, a car with a missing mirror and a "check engine" light the comes on for possibly horrible reasons, and absolutely no spending money. She does however, no longer wear plus sized clothes. So, this is a happy story. Sort of.

This is the story of her life. It is not incredibly active, or really very interesting, but it is quite hilarious. And you might get a few laughs at her expense.